Church is Weird

Sometimes even people who one can reason with get caught up in circumstances that end up with them sitting in church on a Sunday. On the 3rd Advent that person was myself, sitting in the third row attending a three-children-in-a-row baptism ceremony held by a priest with a good mood. I was all set to get an inside scoop on how protestant indoctrination takes place in real life, and boy were they prepared to give proof to my completely prejudiced preconceived notions of religious activity. The dude playing the organ even had a haircut I would refer to as the molestation mullet. The major underlying motto of the sermon was Christmas.

Since most people in the praying business/ people with imaginary friends mainly sit in church to secretly judge the appearance and developments of acquainted families and their children, the guy in the robe upon the pulpit basically got to claim whatever he wants. You can’t blame him though, he most likely got taught from toddler hood that God is real, read mainly Christian sources and then got paid to tell people that he makes informed decisions. Anyway, in order to mobilize the kids he offered them to carry cardboard stars around the place to symbolically re-enact the moments leading to the birth of Christ. His exact words where: “Who is brave enough to go first?” A little boy spoke up, said yes, got a star, and began to run around the church. I felt like the only one in the crowd who was instantly able to fathom the historical dimension of this epic moment. If you take a look back at last 1400 years of Christian Church history, you will realize that your chances of survival are statistically below 0.1 percent after replying “yes” to that question when asked by a priest.

The kid really beat the odds and got to live. Merry Christmas.

By Billiam Van Kiddur

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